Confessions of a Spirit-Filled, Jesus Loving Momma

 "I'm not sure I want to belong to another church."

This was a statement made a few weeks ago to a pastor as we exchanged history notes in a get-to-know-you moment. For the most part, our kids love the church and I know they need a church. I like taking them. I have enjoyed the people I have met and even, on occasion, worked alongside.

The people there are open, friendly, energetic and on fire for Jesus. I remember being like that. I still love Jesus. He is my best friend and I trust Him fully. My not wanting to connect with another church has nothing to do with Him. It doesn't have to do with church hurt or anything like that. So, what is it?

For a while now, when I would ponder that question to myself, the best answer I could come up with is, "I'm tired." It is a tired that can hardly be explained. It is more than physical, mental or emotional. It is a deep tired and, at times, an ache.

As I sit here to write this, to share a part of myself, I am listening to K-Love radio. The songs are on point. I know God has  got this. He's had it all along- for as long as I can remember. I just can't and don't have the strength it takes to get to know someone else.

My history from these past few years is my current present and will impact my future. My family and the very few friends that have walked the road with me- I am so thankful for them. I don't want to exchange true confessions with another in an attempt to build a friendship. You- they- are most likely very amazing. Maybe one day I will be able to know that. 

I am feeding my faith. I love prayer. I have no doubt that Jesus will push me to do or be more than what I have shared here. In His time. I will do what He says. I will go where He sends me. I am thankful that right now I can just be. 

I have to admit that it is strange to "just be". To just be the mom of a kid in youth or children's church. To just be a parent who drives mostly just her kids to church. To just be a person in the pew (when I do show up to stay). It is bittersweet at times. I loved serving and all the energy that those tasks brought and required. 

See, I don't want to cry in front of you. I don't want to explain my tears. I don't want to explain the way our home has been blended by the Lord. I don't want to explain anything and, if I get to know you, I will want to (even feel compelled to) explain it to you. 

The Lord will let us know when the time is right. Until then, I will just be...

Midnight Musings

 12:52 a.m.

What is on my mind? Jesus. 

I have not posted a blog in almost 4 years. I love to write. I love to communicate. I love to share my Jesus- yet I stopped doing all those things. Sometimes I wish I could share my heart, my thoughts, my struggles even...yet, I resist. Perhaps that is what tonight- this morning is. Perhaps I am trying to get back to where I left off. 

To be fair, the following years, 2018 and 2019, were pretty tough. We were thrust into a whole new world. Our family went through a metamorphosis. Plot twists abounded during that time. As 2020 came on the scene, it seemed like we might be okay. We would adjust to a less twisty path- then COVID came through.

The world shut down. As that year passed on, we settled into a space that gained a few friends. Virtual schooling was both a blessing and a curse. We were all ready for the school year to end. The kids are fairly settled in a local church. they have made friends. I have made acquaintances.

Some days I feel like a shell of who I used to be. I miss my faith lived out loud. I miss the energy of serving and the accountability that certain past roles held. Even with all that, I know what I don't want right now. I don't want to get to know people. I don't want to explain my journey or our family. I do want to support our kids and their faith. I do want to help as needed along the way. 

So, tonight as I ponder the current struggle, I have paused to ponder One even greater. His name is Jesus. I want to learn how to once again lean back into His arms and just trust Him to sort it out. He has never failed. One thing I do have is complete and total trust in Him. I was allowing a bit of fear (mainly in the future) to rule, but praise the Lord, that is cast down. 

The worse case scenario of any event is truly nothing when our eyes are kept on Jesus. I pray I have the grace and wisdom to shrug my shoulders, look to Him and know that no matter what it could be, "This too shall pass". Nothing can separate me from the love of God. The devil and the world may have their version of plot twists, but nothing compares to how God can turn the story. 

Much love to you all.