Confessions of a Spirit-Filled, Jesus Loving Momma

 "I'm not sure I want to belong to another church."

This was a statement made a few weeks ago to a pastor as we exchanged history notes in a get-to-know-you moment. For the most part, our kids love the church and I know they need a church. I like taking them. I have enjoyed the people I have met and even, on occasion, worked alongside.

The people there are open, friendly, energetic and on fire for Jesus. I remember being like that. I still love Jesus. He is my best friend and I trust Him fully. My not wanting to connect with another church has nothing to do with Him. It doesn't have to do with church hurt or anything like that. So, what is it?

For a while now, when I would ponder that question to myself, the best answer I could come up with is, "I'm tired." It is a tired that can hardly be explained. It is more than physical, mental or emotional. It is a deep tired and, at times, an ache.

As I sit here to write this, to share a part of myself, I am listening to K-Love radio. The songs are on point. I know God has  got this. He's had it all along- for as long as I can remember. I just can't and don't have the strength it takes to get to know someone else.

My history from these past few years is my current present and will impact my future. My family and the very few friends that have walked the road with me- I am so thankful for them. I don't want to exchange true confessions with another in an attempt to build a friendship. You- they- are most likely very amazing. Maybe one day I will be able to know that. 

I am feeding my faith. I love prayer. I have no doubt that Jesus will push me to do or be more than what I have shared here. In His time. I will do what He says. I will go where He sends me. I am thankful that right now I can just be. 

I have to admit that it is strange to "just be". To just be the mom of a kid in youth or children's church. To just be a parent who drives mostly just her kids to church. To just be a person in the pew (when I do show up to stay). It is bittersweet at times. I loved serving and all the energy that those tasks brought and required. 

See, I don't want to cry in front of you. I don't want to explain my tears. I don't want to explain the way our home has been blended by the Lord. I don't want to explain anything and, if I get to know you, I will want to (even feel compelled to) explain it to you. 

The Lord will let us know when the time is right. Until then, I will just be...