I want to die.
I'm going to kill myself.
I have a gun.
As I put it to my temple hot tears stream down my face. A flood of mixed emotion overwhelms me. Loneliness, anger, hurt, fear and sadness all wash over me. Memories rush in of my miserable life, the people that have betrayed me, people I have hurt, those who forgot about me or never saw me at all, everyone who confirmed in me that I was no good. I won't even leave a note. Why bother? No one will even know I'm gone. I never mattered anyway. I close my eyes and begin to squeeze the trigger.
At that exact moment something happened. In my darkness I heard someone call my name. It was faint but distinct. I then heard four words repeated over and over. At first they were spoken softly but increased in volume with each turn spoken. "I want to live. I want to live. I want to live. I want to live. I want to live." Louder and louder until those very words were being screamed over and over. I realized it was I who was screaming as tears once again assaulted me. I wept bitterly and longingly. I wept with shame and remorse. I wept for the lost innocence of the child I once was. I wept for my misspent youth. I wept for the loneliness that consumed me and for alienating everyone and everything that I ever cared for. I heaved great gulping sobs as my misery was poured out. As the tears poured I heard my name spoken again by the same distinct voice. I felt a wave of peace overpower me and it seemed like a healing balm was being poured over me. This balm touched every piece of my bruised, broken, torn heart and crushed spirit. Slowly my sobs subsided and I sat basking in this flow of peace, warmth.....and love. I had never felt this kind of love before. It was all consuming and seemed to know me through and through and loved me anyway.
A third time I heard my name spoken. This time I looked upward. He said His name was Jesus and told me that He loved me. He shared with me God's word and how He died on a cross so long ago in order to make a way for me to have a relationship with God the Father. He explained that if I would believe in Him I would be saved. I would be restored to God and have a place in heaven. I was in awe.
Once again tears filled my eyes, but this time it was for the joy, peace and love that I had just been given so freely. I knelt down and I accepted this gift offered to me by Jesus. I asked Him to come into my heart and to live and reign in my life. I asked Him to forgive me for all the wrong I had done, for all the hate I had shown, toward myself and toward others. He answered my prayer. That night I was saved twice. Jesus saved me from myself and then saved me from the curse of sin. Thank you, Jesus, for loving me so much.
As I put it to my temple hot tears stream down my face. A flood of mixed emotion overwhelms me. Loneliness, anger, hurt, fear and sadness all wash over me. Memories rush in of my miserable life, the people that have betrayed me, people I have hurt, those who forgot about me or never saw me at all, everyone who confirmed in me that I was no good. I won't even leave a note. Why bother? No one will even know I'm gone. I never mattered anyway. I close my eyes and begin to squeeze the trigger.
At that exact moment something happened. In my darkness I heard someone call my name. It was faint but distinct. I then heard four words repeated over and over. At first they were spoken softly but increased in volume with each turn spoken. "I want to live. I want to live. I want to live. I want to live. I want to live." Louder and louder until those very words were being screamed over and over. I realized it was I who was screaming as tears once again assaulted me. I wept bitterly and longingly. I wept with shame and remorse. I wept for the lost innocence of the child I once was. I wept for my misspent youth. I wept for the loneliness that consumed me and for alienating everyone and everything that I ever cared for. I heaved great gulping sobs as my misery was poured out. As the tears poured I heard my name spoken again by the same distinct voice. I felt a wave of peace overpower me and it seemed like a healing balm was being poured over me. This balm touched every piece of my bruised, broken, torn heart and crushed spirit. Slowly my sobs subsided and I sat basking in this flow of peace, warmth.....and love. I had never felt this kind of love before. It was all consuming and seemed to know me through and through and loved me anyway.
A third time I heard my name spoken. This time I looked upward. He said His name was Jesus and told me that He loved me. He shared with me God's word and how He died on a cross so long ago in order to make a way for me to have a relationship with God the Father. He explained that if I would believe in Him I would be saved. I would be restored to God and have a place in heaven. I was in awe.
Once again tears filled my eyes, but this time it was for the joy, peace and love that I had just been given so freely. I knelt down and I accepted this gift offered to me by Jesus. I asked Him to come into my heart and to live and reign in my life. I asked Him to forgive me for all the wrong I had done, for all the hate I had shown, toward myself and toward others. He answered my prayer. That night I was saved twice. Jesus saved me from myself and then saved me from the curse of sin. Thank you, Jesus, for loving me so much.
Wow
ReplyDelete