Don't Stop Being Bold

I went to church tonight. The essence of the message was to not be afraid to be recognized as a Christian, to stand up for what is right. Don't blend in with our surroundings and deny that we know Jesus. As I sat there, taking notes, I was heavy in my heart and in my spirit. I was feeling like that during the morning service. I could feel the tears within me, as well as the few that made it to the surface and rolled quietly down my cheeks.

In recent weeks, I have been bold in sharing my observations with those who were interested enough to read about them, and I shared them in conversations with a few close friends. While I was not trying to rally support for a cause, I was interested to know how others felt and what they thought about the information that was presented. To be honest, what started out feeling like fresh, new fellowship has started to feel like a polite shunning. I sit in church and observe the interaction around me. From the beginning it has been a struggle to remain at church. However, I keep returning...mostly because I feel it is in obedience to the Lord. At first, I thought He was simply trying to teach me how to function within an organized church body, especially since I have never fully integrated into any church body in the past.

It seems the longer I stay, the more distanced from others I feel. It is strange, because I sometimes feel like a new friendship is growing or forming...but yet a distance remains. I find myself hesitating to share my apprehensions, yet feeling it necessary to continue the dialogue I have begun. At times it is a bit like having a one-sided conversation. In my mind, I imagine there are some who wish I would just be quiet, while there may be others who are intrigued enough to read, and still others who maybe can relate and have similar feelings. What most of them have in common is their silence.

Let me just be honest tonight. I feel very alone in the church. I have initiated conversations that are really not over, and I have gotten zero feedback past the virtual realm, unless I have asked for it. It was recommended that a private discussion should have been my first action, yet no follow up conversations have made their way to me. I yearn for true fellowship and would love to make it past Sunday morning pleasantries but I don't know how. I am truly socially awkward when it comes to small talk. However, if you were to engage me in a discussion or conversation that held any depth, then we could talk all day long.

I feel like no one wants to get to know me or they are afraid to. I feel different from most. I can understand that different can be scary or intimidating, but you might be surprised if you tried to get to know me. As I type this I feel like I may come across sounding pathetic and needy. That is far from my desire. Really, I just want to be honest and I wish others were more honest. I think that is the distance I feel between myself and others. It is their reluctance to be honest, to disagree...or even to agree. I don't understand the need to hide and sweep things under the rug within the church body. How can anything be effectively handled in the dark?

I didn't want to write anymore about the church. I do not want to sound bitter or disparaging because I truly am not. I am sad and sometimes hurt. At times I feel rejected and very alone. Tonight, as I listened to the message being presented, I heard these words spoken to my spirit, "Don't Stop Being Bold." I silently sighed within myself. This meant I had to share more of what I see and how it makes me feel. I had to continue being honest and opening myself up for whatever it may bring. I used to joke with a friend that I figured by the time I asked to be a member of the church, the church would be trying to get rid of me.

While I have no plan to become a member I can't help but wonder if the latter part of that joke isn't true to some degree. I am left to wonder because I do not get any communication that could confirm or deny these thoughts and feelings. Why is the church silent? If we cannot communicate with each other, then why do we gather? How can we be transparent in the world, showing love, if we cannot do that with one another? Do we really show love to each other? Do we communicate? Are we following the leading of the Holy Spirit or the dictates of man?

"Don't stop being bold." That is what the Holy Spirit said to me. So, I write and I share. I daresay you will know far more about me...my thoughts, ideas and observations...than I will ever know about you. That is how I, in this moment, am being bold. It would be simpler to leave or at least remain quiet. That is the problem. Too many are quiet. Church leaders call out for unity in the body. Really? We can't even talk about what separates us but we are expected to unite? We cannot talk about what hurts us but we are to unite in Christian love? How is that done exactly?

The phrase, "I'll pray for you", is not a fix-all phrase. What exactly will you be praying for? Will you be praying for me to be silent? Will you be praying that I bring this behind closed doors rather than being bold? We cannot pray each other's hurts away if we are not willing to hear one another. How can we bear one another's burden's if we don't know what the burdens are?

"Don't stop being bold." It is what I needed to hear because I was drowning in the silence. I think it is easier to survive in the world as a Christian, or to live in an area where persecution is real and deadly, than it is to try and be a Christian in the church today. The persecuted saints understand the message of the cross and understand the risks and sacrifices needed to further the gospel. They are hungry for God and desperate to tell those around them who Jesus is. They bear one another's burdens. They pray with one another. They are often dislocated from their homeland, beaten, mocked, imprisoned and killed, yet they persist. They often have nothing but, yet, are more rich in faith and action than we can ever hope to be.

As for surviving in the world...if we are true to our convictions, walk in love and show Christ by our lives, the world is often kinder than the local church who clings to their traditions as their one, true god. I do realize that there are many in the church hungry for the wind of the Holy Spirit to blow across their parched spirits. They long for God to stir up a new thing and to raise up a standard within them. I know those people exists. I am speaking to the ones who dare to defy the Lord by their obstinate refusal to be led and moved by the Holy Spirit. They cling to things fashioned by the hands and minds of men, rather than the things of God. They complicate what He has made simple. They pick and choose, keep and discard, as though stacking their spiritual deck with people deemed desirable and fitting for service.

It is wrong and the church body will eventually pay the price for its silence. Choosing to do nothing, to say nothing, is still choosing. Deuteronomy 30:15-20 states:

15 “See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil, 16 in that I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commandments, His statutes, and His judgments, that you may live and multiply; and the Lord your God will bless you in the land which you go to possess. 17 But if your heart turns away so that you do not hear, and are drawn away, and worship other gods and serve them, 18 I announce to you today that you shall surely perish; you shall not prolong your days in the land which you cross over the Jordan to go in and possess. 19 I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live; 20 that you may love the Lord your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days; and that you may dwell in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them.”